“What were you afraid of?” people ask me.

My greatest fear was of myself: being gay. I feared being forever rejected and belittled because of that.
Another strong fear I had: As a licensed airplane pilot, I began to fear flying. Fear took over me completely. My only motive to keep on flying was to not disappoint…someone. Whoever. Myself?

It’s fair to say: I was afraid of virtually everything. In me and around me.

I used to run to the washroom at my workplace and have a coughing fit and fainting-like episodes. Every day. I cancelled more social engagements than one could count. I drank too much, in order to subdue the panic, while among people. My dinner parties were never excellent; they were dwarfed by my fear of not being good enough and the meal not being tasty enough.

“How did you face your fears?”

Slowly I flooded my life with true, known and valid resources on authentic living. I received valuable insights from my best friend. I read books on the subjects of shame and guilt. I filled my life with Scripture and prayer.

Most importantly – let me repeat, most importantly – I started to DO something different: I started mental diets. I became observant of my thoughts and my reactions to them. Yes, active and intentional observation of self is work – hard mental work.

I set up a daily laughing schedule. I dedicated some time, each day, to read aloud and speak aloud that I was a well-grounded, confident, loving, and real person. I built values for myself: honesty, persistence, focused work, and many other. Then, I continually (and through continual failing) applied these values to my hour-by-hour living. I stopped looking to feel good and insisted on new action. Day in and day out.

This was my way of attacking the false belief system and clearing it out. Read below about how this process may look for you:

What does “attacking the false belief system and clearing it out” look like?

Let’s say that you are getting ready for…whatever. A personal or work meeting, shopping, sleeping, driving, you name it. Or there is a past experience or a future worry. There comes the heavy chest, shallow breathing, mild confusion, nervousness, racing thoughts…anything that puts you on edge. Well, there are causes of out of control feelings (fear), behaviours (coughing, walking in circles), and habitual thoughts (“Maybe I should just give up?”).

Causes are: belief systems that run those thoughts (“There is danger in this.”). Underneath belief systems are limitations that affect them (“Last time I had it bad.”). And below these, there are unmet needs and unclear values (belonging, being understood, honour, society, intimacy – they are many…).

In the coaching process, attacking and clearing out means recognizing all of these, for you individually. Understanding them for what they are and then removing them from your core being by resetting the levels, like values, needs, belief systems about yourself and the world, and so on.

You learn. And then, you know. And then, you are changed.
I’ve got it the same way. The only differences among us people are our own uniqueness and our stories. Healing processes are similar, widely applicable.

“How can I start, even on my own, today?” You ask.

• Understand: You are in the right place and at the right time. It is life. And all is well. No matter the appearances.
• At this (or any) moment, do a quick scan: observe what you a) see, b) hear, c) smell, d) taste, e) touch. Freeze in the moment and observe all 5 senses, and for each sense 5 different details. For about a minute or so. Remember to breathe while observing.
• At this (or any) moment, stop and observe your breath. No judging or pushing, but as it comes. Observe your in-breath and out-breath. Do it for a minute or so. Deep or shallow, short or long. Doesn’t matter. Just observe.
• Relax your jaw. Breathe.
• If you are going through a fearful and anxious episode, ask yourself now: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? HOW DID THE BAD FEELING START? WHAT AM I RUNNING FROM? WHAT AM I REALLY LOOKING FOR?
• Ask yourself (about any current momentary situation, action, plan, idea, desire, thought, feeling): WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHAT DO I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH ? IF I DO THIS (whatever), HOW WILL MY LIFE BE? HOW WILL LIVES OF OTHERS BE AFFECTED? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE HERE?

You can do this (all or a part of) 100 times a day, no limits. This is one of the ways of a good beginning, which will result in your being more grounded and present in the here and now. And this is where all life is; where your understanding of yourself is. This is not the middle or the end. It is the beginning. However, it can be practised at any point of the journey.

Small A-Ha moments create big shifts — one new perception can turn anger into calm, loneliness into real connection, or “just getting by” into a life that finally feels like yours.

Whether it’s a larger life shift, a small fine tune-up or a truly listening and accepting conversation, I will be on that road with you.